Four suggestions for parents

this year to send their daughters to go to college, I had written a letter to her, and later published the letter in my blog, caused great repercussions. Many people have asked me why I love writing, I think writing is a good model, more clearly than words or phone to convey their own ideas, but also to retain the letter for a long time, and constantly refreshed. My father used to write letters to me, and now my study there are five sixty, every few years I will get them to read and feel valuable. Although today is the era of e-mail and phone, but with writing thoughtful way to convey the idea, let the children leave valuable permanent memorial is a very good channel.
letter to her daughter's only the beginning words of gratitude to have too much to say to her, but later decided to publish it in the blog, because I think the Chinese students and their parents may be reading this letter inspired. In addition to those recommendations daughter, I own more than ten years experience as parents and children as parents feel more than forty years, summary of the four proposals to share with you.
one, more praise and less criticism; more encouragement and less punishment
If children criticism, blame others, punishment of children growing up, growing up in praise of guilt
children growing up in gratitude and recognition of children, like themselves
that in my letter to her daughter, described unreservedly to the university from her birth father and daughter love between us, this positive emotional communication and expression, is a recognized and encouraged the child , when the children grow parents should hold such an attitude. However, there are many parents, including my own past can not help with the punishment, criticism and even threats, intimidation way to teach children.
if a child growing up in the criticism of the environment, it may imperceptibly with the critical approach to solve the communication problems; If children do not will be punished or threatened, only to suppress their fear, denial their emotions, in exchange for recognition of their parents. Under this discipline, the child may be very obedient, but also a lack of confidence, curiosity suppressed, unable to understand other people's emotions, there are many emotional shortcomings and problems.
for younger children, particularly with regard to moral or liability issues can be appropriately punished, but one thing is never be punished, and that is failure. In the human growth process, most lessons is derived from the failure, if failure of small children is very shameful to tell, he may not admit defeat, or to hide their failure, or even make a bad faith behavior, rather than review from the failure, learn and grow.
relatively speaking, we should give them more encouragement and recognition. I am 11 years old arrived in the United States do not speak English, almost no place is worth praise, but the principal expense of their lunch time for me to tuition, there is a math teacher asked 1 / 7 is the number, I quickly uttered back before the answer to both teachers and students praise I was a mathematical genius, although I am not a mathematical genius, but in such encouragement, full of confidence, but also had a strong interest in mathematics. This is the characteristics of American education, it is very encouraging advantages, not to criticize shortcomings. I was good at math, American history is bad, the teacher has not hit me, know my English is not good, or even allow me to test when the papers home to look up the dictionary to do, I believe I will not peek book. Such trust and encouragement, but encouraged me to learn in this course determination, it gave me the courage to learn, let me give birth to a sense of responsibility and sense of honor. So I think such a positive education can really help children.
Second, and more trust, less strict control; more decentralization, less pressure
tight watch children grow up in, you can not separate a child growing up in pressure, and often worried about children growing up in
trust, faith who believe the children have grown up decentralization of tremendous responsibility
under the strict discipline of children grow up, will the lack of an independent capacity and management time, manage their own capacity, if no one entered the university to help him plan, you will lose yourself at a loss. Therefore, parents should gradually grow up with the decentralization of the child. When the three-year-old told them how to do it, when the seven-year-old to give them some authority, read the college, they should totally be your own master. Many parents think they are good for children before going to control him, but I have four reasons should be decentralized.
First, parents may not understand this generation of children may not be like a child know what they want.
Second, if the parents help their children make the decision too much, it will result in the absence of their future responsibility.
Third, if too much parental control, it will drown the voice of children themselves, they will find their interest, loss of confidence. When I lecture at the university, students often say that you always told us to follow his heart, but I do not know my heart is. If too tight watch may be the child into such a machine.
Fourth, if the pressure too much, give the child a heavy burden. Today's children have many psychological problems, or even serious enough to commit suicide, depression, which are under great pressure caused by the parents of the child must not be too much pressure, and should be the responsibility of decompression.
I know that her daughter is very sensitive to the results, taking into account various factors (such as the high tuition fees) and demanding their own, when she too felt a sense of responsibility and too much pressure, I was to her the letter said a word, many students say they really like, may not be suitable for each student, some students still have a sense of responsibility, but I need to tell my daughter, I will never deliberately look at her results.
few months ago, my daughter asked if I was learning Japanese, or Korean is good, I told her both to no avail. But then I regret to tell her father, though you do not use Korean, Japanese, but you can go to the election. I told her to follow his heart, to try a lot of things, because everything is a point in life, someday, you will have the opportunity to put these points together, painted a beautiful curve. In my personal growth process, there is something significant, that is old for a long time I decided not to read kindergarten and primary school, my parents agreed to let me get on the exam as long as the reading, I finally admitted. This is my first major life decision, I was not so aware of their parents, accessories, but a decision-making power. Decentralization will foster the children's self-confidence, children growing up in the trust will believe in yourself and believe others will later. Grew up in the decentralized environment, children will have the independence and autonomy, with a deep sense of responsibility.
III, multi-award fishing, fish, small grant; do more, talk less
children growing up in Mission, lost a child to grow up to judge doubts can only remember
children growing up in interactive learning only really know how to lead by example in the long old child, practice what they preach
environment in China, whether parents or teachers have a common mistake, that teaching, preaching is a traditional Chinese form of two or three thousand years ago, but in the 21st century out of date. Mission-style education under the child may remember, but it will not really know. Preaching may have two consequences, one child does not recognize you, become rebellious; Second, he remembered his parents preaching, but also lost their common sense. FAQ's children also just do not really know.
To truly understand the one hand, we try to learn through interaction, to let children know that nothing is absolute, a problem can be from many different angles; the other hand, to children thinking, learning ability and problem solving skills. University study of the most important is that when you put all the knowledge of all disciplines forgotten when those remaining precipitation in your heart, that is the essence of education.
I often encourage my daughter to participate in the debate to debate when she did not believe that one, think she is not naturally want to look out side, so there are two sides to understand things, there is no absolute right and wrong. When people face when both sides will think more deeply about the issue, the other, this way of thinking will also foster the children's empathy.
addition to this critical thinking, the equally important example. Some parents threaten their children will beat him if we fight, it is clear that education would be counterproductive. Parents of the child's education, the real precipitation in the child's mind is how to do, not how to say. Keep those children and sometimes they do not punctual, polite and their children do not speak politely to let the children talk about their faith and dishonesty, let the children responsible and not responsible for their own parents have not done a real education. So, want their children to be what kind of person, we must lead by example, practice what they preach, set an example for the children. I give my daughter a letter addressed to treat people, make friends with their friends without force as hobby, the same personality, just enough to treat each other sincerely. I also cited her own example, all my friends around different personalities, but if they do not do it, I say there is no persuasive.
Fourth, more friends, do less strict elder
children growing up in the rules, conservative parents, accessories timid child, growing up in a passive obedient children
relaxed, optimistic and happy parents friend's child, love love yourself
My father was a good father, his patriotism, integrity, very responsible, but he never mingle with the children, adherence to the seniority of the boundaries. Respect for parents is of course necessary, but more important is that parents become the child's friends. In this era of growth, the child's mind may have a variety of different pressure, when they face problems, puzzles and challenges, just think if the parents are high above the elders, they may avoid discussing it, slowly there will be a generation gap and barriers. Parents may feel that their kids too hard, but in fact may be he did not lend a hand with too many rules set.
in the framework of rules and too many children will grow timid, conservative and passive, the new era that is difficult for people to achieve their potential, it is difficult in good corporate or school stand out. Today we want to train the children are happy, optimistic, is to see a glass of water half full rather than half empty, is the ability to talk to parents, trust each other, is able to love yourself to love others.
So I tell kids, they always tell myself not to have the shelf, my child will be with me like a friend as a joke, but also a lot to tell me. I've used the e-mail before, but since then keep up the daughter of communication, I often use IM, the IM, I found her about a lot of words are strange (whether in China or the United States, there are always a After ninety sets of network language), I've learned to say this with her, she felt the beginning very strange, but later she told me that I am a very lovable father. In fact, children not only willing, but eager to do our friends, we also need them to be our friends, gain their trust. Many children today have not the same habit with us, let them learn the rules of our time is very difficult, so we should learn from them.
it is not completely do not rule it? Of course not. Rules can have, however: (1) to be good rules, but first make it clear the rules of reason, not blind obedience; (2) rules the child has complete freedom within; (3) violation of the rules say children will be better punishment; (4) the rules better, in order to have the role of inspiration; (5), the greater the child, the less rules, more decentralization.
This is my four suggestions, we want to have some help and inspiration, the future of China's youth in China, and China's young people are our blood, our favorites, so let the future to each other encouragement and training them into their best themselves.